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Pity the english...
https://warbirdinformationexchange.org/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=25&t=20048		 Page 1 of 1
Author:  HGUCSU [ Thu Feb 28, 2008 4:57 am ]
Post subject:  Pity the english...
Justi imagine if the Royal Air Force was to be ever like this. They would have had no history what so ever. It would be a local flying school with some nice looking ww2 planes or fast movers still :)


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Details have been released regarding Britain's next generation of fighting ships: the Royal Navy is proud of the cutting edge capability of the fleet of Type 45 destroyers.

Costing £750 million, they have been designed to meet the needs of the 21st century; in addition to state of the art technology, weaponry, and guidance systems, the ships will comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights legislation.

They will be able to remain at sea for several months and positively bristle with facilities. For instance, the new user friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress councillors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day, and each ship will have it's own onboard industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules even in wartime!

All bunks will be double occupancy, and the destroyers will all come equipped with a maternity ward and creche, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the mess. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, Bum and the lash"; out goes the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by Perrier water, although sodomy remains this has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only by request.

Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is elitist, it is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor".
All notices on boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille.

Crew members will no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches, even the women.

The MOD is working on a new "Non specific" flag based on the controversial British Airways "Ethnic" tailfin design, because the white ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities.

Sea Trials are expected to take place soon, when the first of the new destroyers HMS Cautious, sets out on her maiden mission it will be escorting boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on the south coast.

The ship is due to be launched soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. The ship will gently slide into the water to the tune of "In the Navy" by the Village People played by the Royal Marines.

The Prime Minister said that "While the ships reflected the very latest of modern thinking they were also capable of being up graded to comply with any new legislation. His final words were " Britain never, never waives the rules!"
Author:  Hellcat [ Thu Feb 28, 2008 5:09 am ]
Post subject: 
Ugh!!!!!!! .... HGUCSU you're really starting to worry me, I'm really trying to help you here at WIX, but it's getting tougher all the time. I'm not angry with you personally, I'm just beginning to feel sorry for you. I really don't want Scott to ban you, but if you don't change your ways I fear you may lead down that path. Please do me, and possibly a few others a favor and slow down a bit. Think a little longer before posting. This post is just pointless and probably will p*ss a few off here ... again.

I suppose I should have PM'ed you this, but I'm trying to stop a flurry of negative posts directed toward you again. Please use some restraint my friend. I would like to see you hang out here still. Some of your posts are actually good stuff.

Mark the older brother ... :wink:
Author:  Robbo [ Thu Feb 28, 2008 5:29 am ]
Post subject: 
I thought his looked familiar http://forum.planetalk.net/viewtopic.php?t=5668. One of the rare occasions where sabredriver's not posted a link :shock:
Author:  Richard Woods [ Thu Feb 28, 2008 5:32 am ]
Post subject: 
This e-mail came across my desk this morning:


British Army answering machine message



"Thank you for calling the British Army. I'm sorry, but all our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organisation, the region, the specific crisis and a
number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out Kosovo, Bosnia, Macedonia, Serbia, Iraq, Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone, The Congo, Afghanistan, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory health and safety at work training whilst investing in our people, we will return your call.

Please speak after the tone or, if you require more options, listen to the following numbers:

If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal Marines and shout loudly - they are a bit deaf due to prolonged battle exposure since 1982 and likely to react angrily when shaken owing to prolonged periods of sleep denial. Alternatively you might find them when ashore
if you see men dressed in women's clothes (suzzies and bras) with five-o'clock shadows and Adam's apples (this does not apply in Soho).

If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate, good hotels and can be solved by one or two low-risk bombing runs, please press 2 for the Royal Air Force. (Please note that this service is not available after 1630 or weekends and as Euro-Fighter took 30 years to build they may be a little backward in coming forward even if you are lucky enough to be
connected.)

If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a warship, some bunting, flags, a darn good cocktail party and a first class marching band, press 3, then please write, well in advance, to the First Sea Lord, The Royal Navy, Whitehall, London SW1. In doing so you should note that you are more likely to get an Admiral than a warship since the Royal Navy is down to its last few and these are either broken, being sold or cannibalised to keep the others going. Like the Royal Marines, the silent service does not sleep much and is very grouchy when deprived of rum, sodomy and the lash as, with one exception, they have been for the past 30 years; the third being now compulsory.

Press 4 to contact the UN (New York) or EU (Brussels) if you want a laugh and a couple of nice gendarmes to hold your hand, or...

Press 5 to contact anyone in the Pentagon, Washington, USA, who are more likely to know where we are and what we are doing next than any other British politicians or senior officers. They have to know where we are to ensure that the UK's proud reputation of being the most accurately bombed of America's allies continues into the future.



Thank you for calling and if you are interested in joining the Army (please, please, please, although retention is fine and we are right up to strength) and wish to be liberalised yet paradoxically AGAI'd, paid little, have premature Arthritis, put your wife and family (or gay lover) in a condemned hut miles from civilisation; and are prepared to work your balls off day and night whilst watching the Treasury eroding your original terms and conditions and promising a better pension, serving mainly in sandy climes, whilst picking up rubbish and putting out house fires all over the UK, while fireman and binmen have a little holiday; then please stay on the line.

Your call will shortly be passed onto a bitter, passed-over Recruiting Sergeant in a horrendously fronted, yet grotty little office down by the railway station.

Have a nice day and thank you again for trying to contact The British Army.


:D :D :D

It gave me a laugh....

Ric
Author:  Greg87 [ Thu Feb 28, 2008 7:42 am ]
Post subject: 
Richard Woods wrote:
...As soon as we have sorted out Kosovo, Bosnia, Macedonia, Serbia, Iraq, Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone, The Congo, Afghanistan, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London...


Anyone else reminded of Monty Python? "Anyone else rather be at the pictures than marching up and down the parade square?"
Author:  fotobass [ Thu Feb 28, 2008 7:50 am ]
Post subject: 
Greg87 wrote:
Richard Woods wrote:
...As soon as we have sorted out Kosovo, Bosnia, Macedonia, Serbia, Iraq, Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone, The Congo, Afghanistan, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London...


Anyone else reminded of Monty Python? "Anyone else rather be at the pictures than marching up and down the parade square?"


"Well, I'd like to finish my book, sir."

"Finish your book, is it? Right then! Off with you!"
Author:  Jerry O'Neill [ Thu Feb 28, 2008 8:34 am ]
Post subject: 
Should this topic be in this thread?

Where's the "warbird" in this post!!!!

Put it in "Off Topic" or "Military" please.
Jerry
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