Warbird Information Exchange

General



Faster than a speeding bullet.

More powerful than a locomotive.

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.

Walks on water.

Lunches with God, but must pick up tab.



Colonel



Almost as fast as a speeding bullet.

More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.

Leaps short buildings with a single bound.

Walks on water if sea is calm.

Talks to God.



Lieutenant-Colonel



Faster than an energetically thrown rock.

Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.

Leaps short buildings with a running start in favorable winds.

Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.

May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least
three working days in advance.



Major



Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.

Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.

Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.

Swims well.

Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing.



Captain



Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self.

Is run over by trains.

Barely clears outhouse.

Dog paddles.

Mumbles to self.



Lieutenant



Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised.

Recognizes trains two out of three times.

Runs into tall buildings.

Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water
wings.

Talks to walls.



2nd Lieutenant



Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition but never both.

Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves.

Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings.

Plays in Mud puddles.

Stutters.



Officer Cadet



Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even
be closely supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are
right out.

Says: "Look at choo choo!"

Not allowed inside buildings of any size.

Makes good boat anchor.

Mere existence makes God shudder.



NCO

Catches hyper sonic armor piercing fin stabilized discarding sabot
depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them.

Kicks bullet trains off their tracks.

Uproots tall buildings and walk under them.

Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture.



Is God.