What the H*ll!!!!????

[Jack Cook]

World War II Veteran Allowed To Kill One Last German
EMPORIA, KS—WWII fighter pilot Herman Porter, 87, has been appealing to the federal government since 1948 for the right to kill one last German without legal repercussions. On Monday, the decorated soldier was granted his wish by the Senate Subcommittee on Defense Relations.
The killing will take place on September 20 in Porter's hometown of Emporia, as he is wheelchair-bound with Multiple Sclerosis and has been advised by his physician not to travel or over-exert himself.
Porter, who served from 1942-45 in the Air Force's legendary 53rd Tiger Squadron in the European theater, registered 11 kills during the war, but missed out on the fall of Berlin and the subsequent German surrender. Porter's plane was shot down over Frankfurt, and, though he was able to kill numerous German soldiers in hand-to-hand combat, he was injured during his flight to Allied lines. For more than 50 years, Porter has longed for the opportunity to kill another German, putting an exclamation point on what he considers to be the greatest war in U.S. history.
"It won't take much," Porter said. "Just one thrust of my bayonet."
According to subcommittee chair U.S. Sen. Dennis Rehberg (R-MT), the German selected for killing was initially supposed to be an actual German citizen, but fear of harming relations between the two countries "made such an option impossible." It was then decided that a randomly selected American citizen of German descent would serve as a replacement.
Jonathan Schmidt, a 32-year-old machine-tool operator from Milwaukee, was chosen to serve as the kill. While not a full-blooded German, Schmidt is the grandson of immigrants from Germany and retains the 25 percent German blood minimum to quality him for killing under federal law.
Schmidt, who attempted to flee the U.S. upon discovering his fate, was unavailable for comment, though he issued a release stating that his German ancestors were leaders in the resistance movement and helped shelter 250 Jewish families during the war's darkest hours.
But Schmidt's pleas were for naught: Captured by federal agents, Schmidt was taken to Emporia Tuesday for a practice run for the September 20 killing. After being given an authentic early-1940s-issue bayonet and WWII helmet courtesy of the U.S. Army, Porter was wheeled up to face Schmidt.
In front of a hushed audience of friends, relatives and neighbors, Porter said, "Die, you damned Jerry scum!" and feebly moved his bayonet toward Schmidt. The German-American struggled with the agents, who held him in place and tried to force him onto the weapon. Schmidt was not killed, but he did sustain a minor abrasion on his left knee.
Porter, overcome by heat exhaustion, was rushed to an area hospital. He will face Schmidt again upon his expected recovery.

[k5083]

Even before I googled it, I knew it had to be from The Onion -- a hilarious publication full of rich satire like this.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30091

August

Last edited by k5083 on Wed Mar 21, 2007 3:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

[Django]

That has to be from the Onion.

[Jack Cook]

Yup, but what's the Onion
Jack who clearly doesn't spend enought time on line

[Bill Greenwood]

Jack, the Onion is a newspaper that is publised in Boulder. It's crazy and pretty funny. If you had Bill Maher, Robin Willams, etc, plus the right drugs or booze you might get this stuff. A lot on politics, but also celebrities, Barry Bonds, anyone. They might write that Bush and Kerry have made up, so much so that Kerry is invited down to the ranch for a great hunting trip, with Deadeye Dick Cheney along.

[k5083]

It is a satirical newspaper. Just check out www.theonion.com. Printed copies are distributed in streetcorner newspaper boxes in some cities.

They also do a hilarious weekly spoof presidential radio address. The latest is at http://www.theonion.com/content/node/59778 and there are links to the 5 or 6 prior ones. "I Am Unharmed" and "A Day for Presidents" are especially funny.

August

[mustangdriver]

I have got to tell you guys that part way through that I just kept thinking "what the hell?"

[k5083]

That's the trick to good satire; it has to seem almost plausible up to a point, and then the absurdity sneaks up on you.

August

[tom d. friedman]

with our wacked out ass backwards politicians i'd believe anything!!!

[Bill Greenwood]

I either read this in the Onion, or maybe imagined it, but it is the kind of thing they might write. Gov. Arnold S proposed to split part of Califonia off from the rest of the state, and this part is to become the 51st state. The story goes on with a positive vote by the legislature, is endorsed by Pres Bush and will take effect June 1st. Many prominent and fameous sports and entertainment stars will move to this new state, to be named REHAB.

[mustangdriver]

Now that is funny, I don't care who you are.

[GIJOE290]

Yup, but what's the Onion

Onions (usually but not exclusively the bulbs) are edible and possess a distinctive, strong flavour and pungent odour which is mellowed and sweetened by cooking. The bulb comprises fleshy layers of modified leaves, surrounded by papery outer layers. Used worldwide for culinary purposes, an array of onion varieties is available. But that's not important right now.

[Steve Nelson]

I still have printouts of their 9/11 edition, with headlines like "American Life Turns Into Bad Jerry Bruckhiemer Movie," "Terrorists Surprised to Find Selves In H*ll," and "God Angrily Clarifies 'Do Not Kill' Rule."

SN

[Bill Greenwood]

I just got another copy of the Onion here in Boulder. They definitely smoke the real stuff. Here are a few headlines" "Injured troops request extended combat tours to avoid being sent to Walter Reed." "Anna Nicole Smith finally reaches target weight." "Heroic secret service agent takes question intended for Bush." Conspiracy theorist insist Barbaro still alive."