This e-mail came across my desk this morning:
British Army answering machine message
"Thank you for calling the British Army. I'm sorry, but all our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organisation, the region, the specific crisis and a
number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out Kosovo, Bosnia, Macedonia, Serbia, Iraq, Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone, The Congo, Afghanistan, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory health and safety at work training whilst investing in our people, we will return your call.
Please speak after the tone or, if you require more options, listen to the following numbers:
If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal Marines and shout loudly - they are a bit deaf due to prolonged battle exposure since 1982 and likely to react angrily when shaken owing to prolonged periods of sleep denial. Alternatively you might find them when ashore
if you see men dressed in women's clothes (suzzies and bras) with five-o'clock shadows and Adam's apples (this does not apply in Soho).
If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate, good hotels and can be solved by one or two low-risk bombing runs, please press 2 for the Royal Air Force. (Please note that this service is not available after 1630 or weekends and as Euro-Fighter took 30 years to build they may be a little backward in coming forward even if you are lucky enough to be
connected.)
If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a warship, some bunting, flags, a darn good cocktail party and a first class marching band, press 3, then please write, well in advance, to the First Sea Lord, The Royal Navy, Whitehall, London SW1. In doing so you should note that you are more likely to get an Admiral than a warship since the Royal Navy is down to its last few and these are either broken, being sold or cannibalised to keep the others going. Like the Royal Marines, the silent service does not sleep much and is very grouchy when deprived of rum, sodomy and the lash as, with one exception, they have been for the past 30 years; the third being now compulsory.
Press 4 to contact the UN (New York) or EU (Brussels) if you want a laugh and a couple of nice gendarmes to hold your hand, or...
Press 5 to contact anyone in the Pentagon, Washington, USA, who are more likely to know where we are and what we are doing next than any other British politicians or senior officers. They have to know where we are to ensure that the UK's proud reputation of being the most accurately bombed of America's allies continues into the future.
Thank you for calling and if you are interested in joining the Army (please, please, please, although retention is fine and we are right up to strength) and wish to be liberalised yet paradoxically AGAI'd, paid little, have premature Arthritis, put your wife and family (or gay lover) in a condemned hut miles from civilisation; and are prepared to work your balls off day and night whilst watching the Treasury eroding your original terms and conditions and promising a better pension, serving mainly in sandy climes, whilst picking up rubbish and putting out house fires all over the UK, while fireman and binmen have a little holiday; then please stay on the line.
Your call will shortly be passed onto a bitter, passed-over Recruiting Sergeant in a horrendously fronted, yet grotty little office down by the railway station.
Have a nice day and thank you again for trying to contact The British Army.
It gave me a laugh....
Ric
Login
Register
FAQ
Search
